Should I write an email to some student supportive organisation?

Because sometimes I really wonder if I’m just an immature, unsociable crybaby or is there something more going on.

likeafieldmouse:

Simple morning shout-out to anyone setting out on some new & daunting endeavor & feeling those extreme fluctuations between self-doubt & self-confidence:

You can do it. 

explore-blog:

Timeless wisdom on writing and the creative life from Italo Calvino, born on this day in 1923 – a fine addition to our ongoing archive of sage life-advice.

explore-blog:

Timeless wisdom on writing and the creative life from Italo Calvino, born on this day in 1923 – a fine addition to our ongoing archive of sage life-advice.

Dafuq I’m doing here

Despite the fact that I know pretty well that tomorrow I’m gonna start new semester at my new abroad university, my whole mind is life wtf. What am I even doing here again? I finished my internship, I managed all the papers, I closed the thing, so why am I back here? I feel like I’m dreaming and I don’t even know whether I want to wake up or not.

Is it what I really wanted? No, it isn’t. So why am I really here?

Because what I really want is the impossible. I want the time to stop, so that everything keeps on being the way it is now until forever. So that I wouldn’t have to miss what is gone and face what is new.

If I could, I’d stay at home with my cats, doing what I used to be doing. But that would mean watching all my old friends doing new things and going away and I just would get filled with envy and regret. So instead, I throw myself far away into the unknown, to get ahead before being left behind.

But there are moments when it seems just too difficult. Sometimes, I get quite thrilled and think of it as an adventure, but rest of the time I’m just like NOPENOPENOPE. I don’t want any new experiences, I want the old ones to be brought back.

Not all of them, of course. Because some of them seem to come back right now and I don’t want them at all. My last studying abroad experience, the worst five months of my life. They broke me, they shattered my world. I couldn’t make any new friends and my friends of old have left me. I was alone, as much alone as one can ever be, I laid in bed, I couldn’t sleep and I just thought I’m gonna die at night and nobody’s even gonna find out until next week when the stink of my rotting body will be noticeable in the corridor.

I’m not even sure if I have recovered and/or learned from it anything at all. I only gained knowledge from studies and that’s all.

Have I lost my enthusiasm for most things in life then? Actually, only recently I learned that other people find my lack of enthusiasm disturbing.

So well, I started to try to act more cheerfully, but sometimes it gets too hard when I simply have nothing to be cheerful about. I see all those things that should make me excited as a checklist: have to do this, this and that.

But there were a few moments that made me happy. The things I decided to do, consulted with nobody, in best case, not even told about to anyone, the things which other people cannot judge. Like riding a bike off to nowhere. Or buying a cat. I still keep wondering if writing also fits into the category and if I should feel like writing something again.

Or am I capable of doing something new? Getting to know new people? Can I make it any better than it was two years ago, when I’m much more bitter and disillusioned than I used to be back then?

I should get out more. Definitely. Perhaps I’m gonna give it a try.

Another matter of perspective

  • Staying at home and going to bed at 1 AM: OMG it's so late, dafuq am I doing, why have I stayed up so late, seriously what am I doing with my life
  • Returning from a party and going to bed at 1 AM: Whoa, so early, being sociable AND getting enough sleep achieved! Go me!

Ah, autocorrect poetry

Never thought this word suggesting feature would be introduced to iOS as well.

The only way to go
out and about
the same thing
over and over again
in my head hurts so bad
but it doesn’t even have to be
the best way of saying
that the two sides
of a sudden urge
to go back
to sleep
now and then
you have to be the best thing ever
when you get a new song
and I don’t know
how much I hate it
when people are just
as much
as I can see it.

I just declined an invitation to stay overnight for a movie marathon. I said (and actually thought, too) something like: “em, better not, my cats would get confused if I wasn’t at home at night once again”.
Does this count as a regular and understandable introvert behaviour or is it acting like a jerk already?