I actually want to eat supper.
Today went maybe not the best way it could, but anyway I have a feeling it wasn’t that scary as I feared it would be.
I have a feeling I kinda nailed it.
Also, why do I have to learn the hard way when it comes to body language. No sitting/standing straight until I got nasty pains in the back which get worse every time I dare not to keep my back straight.
So now you ask me to defy reality while I’m even not really into getting out of my bed. Well yeah that’s nice.
Not that I have enough problems with myself or something. The world has to make some additional.
So if I won’t pass the language test I can’t find a free place for by the end of September, I won’t be allowed to study here.
Dear world, seriously, fuck you.
One big advantage of being unsociable: so far, no nominations for the Ice Bucket Challenge.
I see on facebook that one friend after another is getting engaged which makes me envious and sad but then I look at the photos of their boyfriends and I stop being envious and sad.
Or how I dunno what to do with my life and can’t make up my mind on any single thing.
That moment when you let your mind wander off somewhere far away and then suddenly you look into the mirror. When you realise that you’re you, that you have to be this single one particular human in this body. And you feel like crying because that moment of a total self-awareness seems to be unbearable.
I’m split between two worlds, switching between them every second weekend.
In one world, there are my cats. There are meals ready for me, there is warmth, there is a sense of safety.
But I know that sense is nothing but an illusion. This world may last no longer but a year and then it will break apart. So far, it’s able to give me a comfy present, but has nothing for me for the future. No perspectives to go any further at best.
So I switch to the second world, rather by a sense of duty than enthusiasm. This word is much more difficult. It’s filled with people who care about nothing but themselves. It is cold. Its nights are long, dark, filled with anxiety. It’s a world of loneliness.
And yet, it is in that sad world where I can get a job and get paid for my job. And it is considered a real shame not to be in this world. Many of my friends have moved there long before me, without actually having to move physically. And after that nothing between us was as good as it used to be.
I told myself then, I’m gonna get it. All the things I lacked to have (a flat, a boyfriend, a job) and then come back as a better, new, shiny person. But now as I’m struggling I cannot imagine it anymore. It’s so damn hard. Let alone the job, where my constant lack of enthusiasm did not get unspotted. The flat is even more difficult, financially dependent while also I freak out every time I try to imagine living alone for a longer period of time. Not to mention that boyfriend thing, stacked up on a shelf with a label “mission impossible” on it.